0020 Do you complain when a “feature” you use gets fixed? 0021 Do you eat slime-molds? 0022 Do you know how many days old you are? 0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza? 0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke? 0025 Did someone not ‘get’ it? 0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky? 0027 Backwards? Pasta 239.invitation 239.rc 238 238 238 238 238 238 238 237 237 237 237 237 236 236 236 236 236 235 235 235 235 235 235 235 234 234 234 234 233 233 233 233 232 232 232 232 231 231 231 231 231 231 audio before cartoons corrupt emails organization stain cage erection sign too ups antenna comic foster london provider backup do lobster notice.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane” 2. Pilot — “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we landit’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.” 3.
After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella.
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.” 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.
“Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.” 8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.” 9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.” 10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.” 11.
From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industryUnfortunately none of them are on this flight! Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!” 13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.” 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?” 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am, what is it?” “Did we land or were we shot down?”.
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.” After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”. Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Preface: 06.16.89 This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go through many more. (Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom, cunningly disguised as a test.) Scoring – Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each question that you can answer correctly. If you score is between: You are 0x000 and 0x010 - Computer Illiterate 0x011 and 0x040 - a User 0x041 and 0x080 - an Operator 0x081 and 0x0C0 - a Nerd 0x0C1 and 0x100 - a Hacker 0x101 and 0x180 - a Guru 0x181 and 0x200 - a Wizard Note: If you don’t understand the scoring, stop here.
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And now for the questions 0001 Have you ever used a computer? 0002 for more than 4 hours continuously?
0003 more than 8 hours? 0004 more than 16 hours? 0005 more than 32 hours?
0006 Have you ever patched paper tape? 0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming? 0008 Missed an examination? 0009 Missed a wedding? 0010 Missed your own wedding?
0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated? 0012 Did it make sense the next day?
0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator? 0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment? 0015 Ever change the value of 4? 0016 Unintentionally? 0017 In a language other than Fortran? 0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting? 0019 Have you named a computer?
0020 Do you complain when a “feature” you use gets fixed? 0021 Do you eat slime-molds? 0022 Do you know how many days old you are? 0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza? 0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke? 0025 Did someone not ‘get’ it? 0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
0027 Backwards? 0028 Have you seen “Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land”? 0029 Have you seen “Tron”? 0030 Have you seen “Wargames”? 0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal? 0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes? 0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex? 0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa? 0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?
0038 Do you know maxint on your system? 0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision? 0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2.16 in arbitrary order? 0041 up to 2.32? 0042 up to 2.64?
0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes? 0044 feeling the holes? 0045 Have you ever patched binary code? 0046 While the program was running? 0047 Have you ever used program overlays? 0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president? 0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?
0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT? 0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT? 0052 Have you ever digitized a picture? 0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey? 0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop? 0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort? 0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?
0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem? 0058 Did it answer? 0059 Can you whistle 300 baud? 0060 1200 baud?
0061 Can you whistle a telephone number? 0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash? 0063 Have you made a disk drive “walk”? 0064 Can you build a puffer train? 0065 Do you know what it is?
0066 Can you play music on your line printer? 0067 Your disk drive? 0068 Your tape drive? 0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar? 0070 Is it out-of-date?
0071 Do you have a line printer picture of 0072 the Mona Lisa? 0073 the Enterprise? 0074 Einstein? 0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture? 0077 Do you know what the following stand for? 0078 DASD 0079 Emacs 0080 ITS 0081 RSTS/E 0082 SNA 0083 Spool 0084 TCP/IP Have you ever used 0085 TPU? 0090 Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0093 Wordstar? 0094 Have you ever written a CLIST? Have you ever programmed in 0095 the X windowing system?
0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy? 0098 Have you ever shown a novice the “any” key? 0099 Was it the power switch? Have you ever attended 0100 Usenix? 0103 SIGGRAPH? 0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?
0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone? 0107 Have you ever seen voice mail? 0108 Can you read it? 0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary? 0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test? 0111 Did you fail? 0112 Ever drop a card deck?
0113 Did you successfully put it back together? 0114 Without looking? 0115 Have you ever used IPCS?
0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer? 0117 Does your computer come in ‘designer’ colors? 0118 Ever interrupted a UPS? 0119 Ever mask an NMI? 0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system? 0121 Intentionally? 0122 Do you still work there?
0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch? 0124 Intentionally? 0125 Do you have any defunct documentation? 0126 Do you still read it? 0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program? 0128 Did you find bugs in it? 0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?
0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone? 0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high? 0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?
0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software? 0134 Vice versa? 0135 Ever belong to a user/support group? 0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?
0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper? 0138 Did you get away with it? 0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning? 0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language? 0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?
0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test? 0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch? 0145 Ever patch a microcode bug? 0146 around a microcode bug?
0147 Can you program a Turing machine? 0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head? 0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head? 0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star? 0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?
0152 Have you solved the halting problem? 0153 Correctly?
0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti? 0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program? 0156 Ever swapped out the swapper? 0157 Can you read a state diagram? 0158 Do you need one?
0159 Ever create an unkillable program? 0160 Intentionally? 0161 Ever been asked for a cookie? 0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?.
Do you know 0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue? 0164 Rogomatic? 0165 Do you know Gray code? 0166 Do you know what HCF means? 0167 Ever use it? 0168 Intentionally? 0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
0170 Ever make one? 0171 Do you know the end of the epoch? 0172 Have you celebrated the end of an epoch? 0173 Did you have to rewrite code? 0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE? 0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout? 0176 Can you wire a connector without looking?.
Do you have 0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars? 0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes? 0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker’s dictionary?
0180 Did you contribute to it? 0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
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0182 Is it unused? 0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file? 0184 Do you have the Anarchist’s Cookbook? 0185 Ever make anything from it? 0186 Do you own a modem? 0187 a terminal? 0188 a toy computer?
0189 a personal computer? 0190 a minicomputer? 0191 a mainframe?
0192 a supercomputer? 0193 a hypercube? 0194 a printer? 0195 a laser printer? 0196 a tape drive?
0197 an outmoded peripheral device? 0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
0199 Is it RPN? 0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer? 0201 4 computers? 0202 16 computers? 0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
0204 a T1 line? 0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer? 0206 Is it legal? 0207 Do you have core memory? 0208 drum storage? 0209 bubble memory? 0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
0211 256 megabytes? 0212 1 gigabyte?
0213 16 gigabytes? 0214 256 gigabytes? 0215 1 terabyte? 0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive? 0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
0218 Is it unlabelled? 0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
0220 64 floppy disks? 0221 256 floppy disks? 0222 1024 floppy disks? 0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks? 0224 Do you have an internal stack?
0225 Do you have a clock interrupt? 0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of The Art of Computer Programming? 0227 Have you done all the exercises?
0228 Do you have a MIX simulator? 0229 Can you name the unwritten volumes?
0230 Can you quote from The Mythical Man-month? 0231 Did you participate in the OS/360 project? 0232 Do you have a TTL handbook? 0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?. Career 0234 Do you have a job? 0235 Have you ever had a job? 0236 Was it computer-related?
0237 Do you work irregular hours? 0238 Have you ever been a system administrator? 0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks? 0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power? 0241 Is your job secure? 0242 Do you have code to prove it?
0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?. Games 0244 Have you ever played Pong? Have you ever played 0246 Spacewar? 0247 Star Trek? 0249 Lunar Lander?
Have you ever beaten 0251 Moria 4.8? 0252 Rogue 3.6? 0253 Rogue 5.3?
0255 Hack 1.0.3? 0256 Nethack 2.4? 0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic? 0258 Have you ever solved Adventure? 0260 Have you ever written any redcode? 0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
0262 a real-time game? 0263 a multi-player game?
0264 a networked game? 0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?. Hardware 0266 Have you ever used a light pen? 0267 did you build it?
Have you ever used 0268 a teletype? 0269 a paper tape?
0270 a decwriter? 0271 a card reader/punch? Have you ever built 0273 an Altair? 0274 a Heath/Zenith computer? Do you know how to use 0275 an oscilliscope?
0276 a voltmeter? 0277 a frequency counter? 0278 a logic probe? 0279 a wirewrap tool? 0280 a soldering iron? 0281 a logic analyzer? 0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
0283 has it been fabricated? 0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?. Historical 0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel? 0286 from memory? 0287 Can you program an Eniac? 0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?. IBM 0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is? 0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams? 0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are? 0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive? 0294 off a card reader? 0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?. Languages 0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
0297 8 languages? 0298 16 languages? 0299 32 languages? 0300 Have you ever designed a programming language? 0301 Do you know what Basic stands for? 0303 Can you program in Basic? 0304 Do you admit it?
0305 Can you program in Cobol? 0306 Do you deny it? 0307 Do you know Pascal? 0308 Modula-2? 0310 More that two Wirth languages?
0311 Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke? 0312 Do you know Algol-60? 0313 Algol-W? 0314 Algol-68?
0315 Do you understand the Algol-68 report? 0316 Do you like two-level grammars? 0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines? 0318 on 4 different machines? 0319 on 8 different machines? Do you know 0320 APL?
0328 Fortran? 0329 Hypertalk?
0340 Rexx (or ARexx)? 0342 Smalltalk? 0345 any assembly language?
0346 Can you talk VT-100? 0347 Postscript? 0350 English?. Micros 0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk? 0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme? 0353 Have you ever made a “flippy” disk?
0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk? 0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?. Networking 0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once? 0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country? 0358 For any country? 0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug? 0360 Was it a security hole?
0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table? 0362 Are you up to date? 0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses? 0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart? 0365 Can you recite all the errors in it?
0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file? 0367 Does it work? 0368 Do you mumble “defocus” in your sleep? 0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?.
Operating systems Can you use 0370 BSD Unix? 0371 non-BSD Unix? 0372 AIX 0373 VM/CMS? 0386 more than one OS for the TRS-80? 0387 Tops-10? 0388 Tops-20?
0392 Multics? 0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive? 0396 Off a card reader/punch?
0397 Off a teletype? 0398 Off a networked (non-local) disk? 0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
0400 Did you exploit it? 0401 Did you report it?
0402 Was your report ignored? 0403 Have you ever crashed a machine? 0404 Intentionally?.
People 0405 Do you know any people? 0406 more than one?
0407 more than two?. Personal 0408 Are your shoelaces untied? 0409 Do you interface well with strangers?
0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems but unable to recite your own? 0411 Do you log in before breakfast? 0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?
0413 Do you answer either-or questions with “yes”? 0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual? 0415.every. operating system manual? 0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment? 0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?
0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects? 0419 Do you ignore mice? 0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key? 0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants? 0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?
0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards? 0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?
0425 Have you ever seen the dawn? 0426 Twice in a row? 0427 Do you use “foobar” in daily conversation? 0428 “bletch”? 0429 Do you use the “P convention”?
0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM? 0431 Do you know what it means? 0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management? 0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office? 0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?
0435 Is your license plate computer-related? 0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test? 0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience? 0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer? 0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?. Programming 0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
0441 In TECO? 0442 Can you read a machine dump? 0443 Can you disassemble code in your head? Have you ever written 0444 a compiler? 0445 an operating system?
0446 a device driver? 0447 a text processor? 0448 a display hack?
0449 a database system? 0450 an expert system? 0451 an edge detector? 0452 a real-time control system? 0453 an accounting package?
0454 a virus? 0455 a prophylactic? 0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program? 0457 Did you sell the output? 0458 Was the output arbitrarily invented? 0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
0460 the number e? 0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits? 0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code? 0463 Are you proud of it? 0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
0465 Was it longer than 20 lines? 0466 100 lines?
0467 Was it in assembly language? 0468 Did it work the second time? 0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively? 0470 Non-recursively? 0471 Using the Troff text formatter?
0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest? 0473 Did it win? 0474 Did your entry inspire a new rule? 0475 Do you know Duff’s device? 0476 Do you know Jensen’s device? 0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error? 0478 More than an hour?
0479 More than a day? 0480 More than a week? 0481 Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?. Unix 0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
Non-Berkeley Unix? 0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual? 0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation? 0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system? 0487 Have you ever built Minix? 0488 Can you answer “quiz function ed-command” correctly?
0489 How about “quiz ed-command function”?. Usenet 0490 Do you read news?
0491 More than 32 newsgroups? 0492 More than 256 newsgroups? 0493 All the newsgroups? 0494 Have you ever posted an article? 0495 Do you post regularly? 0496 Have you ever posted a flame? 0497 Ever flame a cross-posting?
0498 Ever flame a flame? 0499 Do you flame regularly? 0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup? 0501 Ever forge a posting? 0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
0503 Does it still exist? 0504 Do you remember 0505 mod.ber? 0506 the Stupid People’s Court?
0507 Bandy-grams?. Phreaking 0508 Have you ever built a black box? 0509 Can you name all of the ‘colors’ of boxes? 0510 and their associated functions? 0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?
0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you? Some 80s ads & jingles! In no particular order, here are some very memorable (at least to me) jingles from 80s ads (INDIAN, “of case”!) Frooti: Did Frooti always come in a mango flavour? Or was it preceded by Orange Frooti? I’m so confused. Anyway, Mango Frooti had an original ad with a jingle that ended, “Mango Frooti, fresh and juicy” Later in the early 90s, this ad was set to the tune of the then-famous Ice Ice Baby, “Fresh fresh Frooti, Frooti!
(tin din din din din din) Fresh fresh Frooti, Frooti! (tin din din din din din) Mango Frooti, fresh and juicy! (YEAH!)” To this day, you can hear it on board any train: “Ey, thanda Frooti, cold draaaaaannnnk”. Frooti is still being sold at exorbitant prices on railway trains by douchebags who take advantage of anyone suffering from thirst. So much that they will drink even tepid Frooti if it is available, which is mostly the case. It is never ice cold. Fuck them all.
I seem to have digressed, but seriously, FUCK all you cold drink vendors. I hate you, Kenny. Glucon-C(D): “Glucon-C(D), yeh jaan mein jaan daal de – peete hi!” variations include: “iske saath ek foot-patti, muft muft muft!” “Mmm!
Santre jaisa mazedaar!”, says the kid who turns into a superhero. One of the ads features this superhero stuck in a BEST bus in traffic. The driver is really pissed of and tired and they are moving real slow and in jerks. Suddenly, our hero clicks his fingers – Ah, I have an idea!
He exits the bus running, and changes into Super Glucon-D boy or something and gives the driver some Glucon-D. For some reason, this not only refreshes the driver, it also eases traffic flow! Was that a metaphor to say that this drink also has a lot of fiber in it???? I used to love Glucon-D. The orange taste was great.
Almost as good as Orange Rasna. Tata Namak: Whaaa?
You have to advertize for table salt? “Namak ho Tata ka, Tata namak!” went the jingle. Captain Cook: Hmm, don’t really remember anything about this ad.
There was something funny about it, but what? April 07, 2005 I’m going through a vegetable oil/ghee phase here: Gagan: I don’t remember very much except for the phrase, “Khao Gagan, raho magan!” Was this just Gagan Ghee or was it vegetable oil too? I think Tiku Talsaniya was in the ad, although I could be wrong. Postman: Postman brand vegetable oil. Why name an oil after your friendly neighbourhood mail delivery person? I don’t know. These things used to come in huge blur-coloured plastic cans, I remember.
Do they still make them? The earliest ads didn’t have the kid dreaming about gigantic puris falling onto him from on the table. It didn’t even have the jingle, “Postman naturally!” But other than these negative results, I’ve got jack. Saffola: One (early) version of this ad features some middle-aged dad at his daughter’s birthday party, he collapses just as they start to sing Happy Birthday (maybe he just received the bill?) I do remember his daughter (like any other daughter in ads during the time) was in a pink dress. Anyway, sounds of an ambulance.
Wife with dried tears in her eyes looking at the camera and saying something about how she takes her hubby’s health seriously now and has switched to Saffola. It was made from safflower oil, and had the heart logo on the yellow-coloured plastic can. Sapan: Ad 1: Sapan Ghee – No human faces involved. Just a tin of ghee, maybe a bottle, and the sound of cows mooing. All of a sudden, an Amitabh-like voice says, “Dadima, aapke haath ka khaana to bas” and Dadima’s voice says – “Lo, ghee ka kaam, aur dadima ka naam!” Ad 2: Sapan Rasgulla – A family sings this jingle: All of ’em Shudh Sapan rasgulla, shudh sapan rasgulla! Just son Mmmmm! Just mom Shudhta mein hardam aage Just daughter la la la, la la la la All of ’em Shudh Sapan rasgulla, shudh sapan rasgulla!
Woodwards Gripe Water: Thanks, Meers! I hazily remember the mid- or early-80s version of this ad, it just had a bawling kid in it and a mom who uses gripe water to stop the kid from well, griping. The version that is more famous is definitely the late-80s one: kid crying.
Mom taking care of kid. Grandma walks in. “Kya hua?” “Bachchi ro rahi thi” “Woodwards Gripe Water dede. Tu jab choti thi, tab tujhe yehi diya tha maine”. Gramma’s Mama walks in. “Kya hua?” and like those Russian stories where the elephant, the chicken, the donkey, the walrus, the hare, the bear, the cossack, the chipmunk and the squirrel slowly add onto the rest of the story just to make it longer, this ad goes from mother to great-great-grandmother. All this to show that WGW has been around since 1919 or something.
Colgate Tooth Powder: Thanks to Manish Acharya for a reminder! Two versions of the tooth powder ad, both with the same target audience in mind – country bumpkins who are jocks, apparently. Because, as we all know, everyone in the cities uses tooth PASTE, not powder!
Note: even the Dabur Lal Dant-Manjan ad featured a village school – Lekin masterji, aapke daant?! Version one: muscular country bumpkin is out in the yard, with his weights, in front of a couple of buffalo.
Oh yeah, this ad could also have been aimed at the Bhaiiya paap-ulasan in Bombay. Same difference! As if we aren’t already tired of the stereotyping in this ad, a sati-savitri maa-ke-samaan bhabhi is in the background, either praying to the Tulsi tree in the aangan or cooking on the choolha or some other shit that women in villages apparently do.
Bumpkin: Arrey Bhabhi, zara mera doodh-badaam aur koyla dena to! Bhabhi: Arrey wah, devarji, badan ke doodh-badaam, aur daaton ke liye koyla?! Scene change, shows graphic of gums and teeth up close Voice-over: Khurdare padaarth daaton ki parakh kharaab kar sakte hain. Use Colgate Tooth Powder, blah blah blah Version two is basically the same as above except the bumpkin apparently also has a college-going sister. As if they let girls in such a family ever leave the kitchen! Behna: Bhaiyya, main college jaa rahi hoon Bhaiyya: Arrey pehle mera doodh-badaam aur koyla to zara dena!
Behna: Wah bhaiyya, badan ke liye doodh-badaam, aur daaton ke liye koyla!? Same voice-over and stuff Bhaiyya: Wah, college jaa ke bahut hoshiar ho gayee hain meri behana! Hawkins Pressure Cooker: A minimal ad from the early/mid 80s, it starts with a loud pressure cooker whistle, and then, Preeti Sagar (At least I think it was her, but that could just be me talking out of my ass) starts to sing: Hawkins ki seeti baji, khushboo hi khushboo udi Mazedaar, lazzedaar khaana hai tayyar, aji khaana hai tayyar! Murg Musallam, Tomayyto Soup, Matar Pulao, Maaki Daal, Kheer aur Dum Aloooooo Har vyanjan swadisht banaaye, minton mein jhatpat pakaaye Hawkins!
Hawkins Pressure Cooker! Voice over guy: Vishwasneeya, HAWKINS! Avval quality ka praasure said with a Delhiite accent cooker! Bachat kare, barson chale! Marlex Pressure Cooker: (Thanks for the reminder, Shrirang!) Another minimal from the early 80s. Still image of Tabassum (Phool Khile Hain Gulshan Gulshan) holding up a Marlex pressure cooker. The jingle, sung by Preeti Sagar (I was allegedly kissed by her when I was a kid, I don’t remember this), went: Marlex!
Khana jaldi pakaaye, kaise seeti bajaaye (cooker whistle hisses) Marlex! Marlex pressure cooker! Prestige Cooker: Another Sumit Bakshi reminder The original ad features a wife slaving away in the kitchen while her mother-in-law relaxes in the living room and the hubby is at work (I think). The wife is reaaaaallllyyy overworked and understandably loses it, and starts throwing kitchenware into the living room, and the other people in the house watch each utensil go over their heads like a tennis game. Voice over: Phenk do yeh kadhaai, bekchi, yeh frying pan Inse nata todo.
(The last sentence is accompanied by a huge wok landing in the postman’s hands) (Heaven, or the exhaust fan, slowly lowers a Prestige Pressure Cooker into the wife’s hands) Prestige Pressure Cooker. Fry kare, deep fry kare, chun chun sikaai kare. Jhat ubaale, pat pressure de Cue to loud whistle Prestige Pressure Cooker.
Jo biwi se karein pyaar, woh Prestige se kaise karein inkaar! A second, very similar (albeit shortened) version of this ad plugged Prestige Pressure Pans instead of Cookers. Replace the word Cooker in the above with Pan, and that’s what it was. There were a handful of girls who played the “wife” role in these ads – cookers, Maggi noodles, etc. They were really cute. Godrej Shaving Cream: Having recently been informed Thanks Ashu!
that this page contains not even ONE ad about shaving cream, I have been forced to update it! An early-mid 80s ad for Godrej Shaving Cream features Vivek Vaswani as some sort of nervous reporter who is interviewing random men. The scene begins with VV approaching some clean-shaven CONFIDENT guy in a neat suit. S-S-Sir, which shaving cream do you use? Guy1, confidently smiling: Godrej!
Guy1: Great shave, cologne fragrance! Wife loves it!
The guy is talking fast because he is in an elevator and has already reached his floor and is getting off. VV has to now pursue other guys, and he sees another guy enter the elevator – VV: Sir, which shaving cream do you – Guy2 turns around and displays his beard, smiles and says, in a deep voice: ME? Vimal Washing Powder: This ad featured a very young Dileep Tahil (he was pretty famous in Hindi movies at that point, so I don’t know why he did this ad, but people do strange things for money and otherwise). Scene: DT is walking down the street, happy in a sort-of-white kurta and pyjama.
The VWP girl on a huge banner comes alive, and here’s the conversation (please SING it to the tune of the jingle, imagine the music being played in the extract below): girl: Suno suno, ay babuji (tanv danv tanv danv tanv danv tanv danv) kahan chale? (tanv danv danv danv) kapde kyon hain mailey dhule? Lekin maine to laundry se dhulvaayi thi girl: To kya, zara thehro (winks, accompanied by synth sound of wink, and his clothes become ultra-white) farak dekhlo! Chorus: Vimal Washing Powder, kapde dhoye jagmag jagmag Ujwal, ujwal, kapde dikhte nikhaar, rangon ke bahaar laaye jhilmil jhilmil!
Vimal Washing Powder! Dabur Chyawanprash (a very famous ad): Featuring great Marathi character actor (who was pretty old by then), Shriram Lagoo. He also has lent his histrionic might (he was another shaking A. Hangal but also a villain more often than AKH himself) to Hindi movies. But in this ad (which was released pretty much around the time that the serial Khandaan, which featured both Lagoos, was playing on national television), he is just a regular rich-grandpa (dadaji) and has a social message (sort of) for you. SL: uh-huh, pehle Dabur Chyawanprash (voice over): Anwla aur chalees se bhi adhik gunon se bharpoor, Dabur Chyawanprash!
Pan Parag: (another very very famous ad): Featuring the suppressed histrionic mights of a fat Shammi Kapoor and Ashok Kumar and their wives (one of them was Asha Lata, maybe? They were the typical maa-wife roleplayer women of the early- and mid-80s If someone knows their names, please send them to me. Thanks!) Scene: Shehnai playing in the background, it is the house where the wedding is supposed to take place, which is the bride’s house, and it happens to be Ashok Kumar’s house. His wife: AKW: Suniye, ladki ke maa-baap aaye hain AK: Arrey, aaiye, aaiye (ha ha ha ha ha, mandatory laughter from all four members) SK: Baarat thik 8 baje pahunch jaayegi. Par hum aapse ek baat to kehne bhool hi gaye! (Shehnai stops, and sudden jarring music is played on keyboard while AK and his wife share a worried look thinking DOWRY!) SK: Ghabraiye nahin, hume kuch nahin chahiye!
Hum to sirf itna chahte hain ki aap baraatiyon ka swagat Pan Parag se kijiye! AK (relieved): Oh-ho, Pan Parag! Humein kya maloom tha aap bhi Pan Parag ke shaukeen hain (he pulls out a tin can from under his shawl) Yeh lijiye Pan Parag (closeup of SK’s face which brightens up): PAN PARAG! (singer, probably Priti Sagar): Pan Parag, pan masala Pan Parag Khatir-daari mein zaroori, iske bina mehfil adhoori Pan parag, pan masala, Pan Parag! Pan Parag: (another famous version of this ad): Features Jalal Agha (I always get confused about who the dad was, and who the son was. This was the son, and I think his name was Jalal Agha) Scene: JA enters a party, and guests notice him and start talking to him. Guest1 (played by middle aged Delhiite-looking lady): Arrey lo, aagaye?
Aaj kal to bade chaaye hue ho TV par, Pan Parag aur kya kya! JA (smiles humbly): Shukriya Guest2 (played by Vipin Handa, who went on to have a short-lived talk show called Aamne-Saamne): TV mein to hamesha tayaar rehte ho, aaj kahan hai tumhara dibba? JA (smartly pulls out a pillow pouch!): To YEH kya hai?! Guest3: Ek se mera kya hoga!!! (laughs) JA: To aap DO lijiye!
Guest4’s voice: Aur mere liye? (JA turns towards the voice, sees its a really tall dude, and pulls out the whole strip and smiles at camera, while Priti Sagar – I think – sings the jingle above) Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream: (a very early, famous version featuring a very young and cute Sangeeta Bijlani. This version is historic because it was always featured before one of the very first sitcoms that I ever saw on Doordarshan, Yeh Jo Hai Zindagi. Starring Shafi Inamdar, Swaroop Sampat, Rakesh Bedi and Satish Shah in different roles – who doesn’t remember that one episode where he keeps saying, What a relieeeeef!